Influencing Minors

...So I have been staying with my thirty-something, perfectly functional, disgustingly healthy breeder friends for the past month or so. In the course of this month, we have had two separate visits, by two separate families; both of which have small children.

I've rapidly learned that my natural speech and behavior are not G rated, that said behavior needs to be drastically modified with a quickness when little eyes and ears are present. This is a fucking pain in the fucking ass. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. That felt good. Its like my mouth and brain have been all constipated all day and the effects of the ex (pletive) -lax have just kicked in. There is a little tongue cramping at first, but after an explosion of dirty language, I feel nice and regular again.

These three little kids who are here are so good! I can hardly believe it. It is so completely disgusting and irritating. They don't have a t.v. at home, so when they are here, they get to watch exactly one hour of t.v. a day. They don't even bitch about it. I took the little four year old to get ice cream after dinner one day, and while we were there deciding which ice cream to sample she informs me: "I'm not allowed to have chocolate, it keeps me up at night." How many four year olds willingly divulge such information to a perfect stranger who has no idea that they aren't supposed to have chocolate!

They are very intelligent too. I asked the eleven year old what she wanted to for dinner. The only reply I got was the obligatory 'tween shrug. I said: "So you're indifferent." She just looked at me. I remembered that sometimes children don't understand the meaning of some words, so I asked. "Do you understand what indifferent means?" She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms at her chest. "Duh! It means I don't care." Touché.

I am never having kids. I can't deal with eleven year olds who match or surpass my wit. It makes me want to stomp my foot and stick my tongue out.